more classes

Europeans were therefore legally justified in assuming full, sovereign ownership of the “discovered” lands, since Aboriginal peoples could not possibly have the civilized and Christian attributes that would enable them to assert sovereign ownership (p. 121). 

                                                                                               -Henry et al (2000)

Having kids seems to mean a lot of schooling. This is what I get for not finishing college- education karma has come back to haunt me. If karma haunts, that is.

I am taking a course through the local Caring for First Nations Children Society. You see, there are a lot of kids in the system who come from Aboriginal families (decide for your self what that says about the care our government gives to Aboriginal families). But I am not here to debate who's fault it is that a huge percentage of foster kids are Aboriginal. The fact is there are more Aboriginal kids in the system than there are Aboriginal adoptive parents. This means that non-Aboriginal parents will sometimes be eligible to adopt Aboriginal children. This is where an online course comes in.

I am learning about the history of colonisation in Canada and North America. Most of this isn't new to me but it is always difficult to learn about. Forget what you thought you knew about Pocahontas and Thanksgiving; colonization has meant millions of dead men, women and children and government sanctioned lies to cover up a horrible history. The Canadian Government has only recently started publishing statements and reports as to the extent of racist and even genocidal policies. It is important to learn about this history because the history directly effects the lives of aboriginal people today. I will be learning how to help my potential future children stay connected to there heritage. I will be learning how to provide them with positive role models, positive stories from their history and learning how to teach them about themselves without the filter of colonization. Not an easy task for a little white lady.

So I am back to reading texts and doing homework. I'll tell you one thing- it sure beats morning sickness.

sad babes

Disclaimer: Here are two questions that seem to come up in conversations either with our own friends or family or on adoption forums etc. Obviously, I am just learning about all of this. I am not an expert, nor do I claim to be. These are conclusions that AH and I have come to with research and learning and prayer and conversation. Our opinions on these matters may change, but this is what we're going with right now.

How old does a baby have to be to experience trauma?
Many experts agree that trauma to the mother even while the baby is still in utero can leave lasting neurological impacts on the developing foetus. After a baby is born, he has not learnt how to separate himself from his mother and therefore, sensing that his mother is in danger may cause his little brain and body to panic that he too is in danger. If something happens to mother, baby cannot recognise that he might be able to go on living without her. His little brain is telling him that if mother dies, baby dies. So even if a baby is not abused; living with abuse or danger can cause extreme stress to the developing mind. If a baby is being abused (physical, sexual, neglect), that stress may be compounded.

This is one of the many realities that must be faced in adoption. Sadly, our children are coming to us for a reason and that reason is not happy. In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption. Birth parents would be given the supports they need to raise their children with help from the community. No one would be alone and children would be raised by "the village" if a parent was unable. When our children come to live with us and be loved by us, it is bitter-sweet because it means that they have been removed from the most important relationship of their young lives.

Should a child be told about trauma that they are too young to remember?
The simple answer is "yes". Children will ask questions about their past. They will ask questions about why they were adopted. Their past belongs to them, not me and I have no right to withhold it from them. Having knowledge about their life will help them understand some of their behaviours and fears.

We will be careful to use age appropriate language. We will be careful to consult professionals about the best ways to talk about these subjects. Luckily, anyone who knows us knows that we are not afraid of  subjects that some people may find difficult. I could have been voted "most likely to become a sex-ed teacher" in my high school yearbook (not that that was a category). Anyone who knows us also knows that we're kind of (understatement?) socialist thinkers so we won't be portraying our kid's pasts with stereotypes about "bad people". Colouring their birth-parents and situations as "bad" won't help our children. In fact, telling a child that they come from "bad" people may give them the belief that they are "bad" as well. I am thankful that AH and I are blessed with these outlooks.

I don't mean to make this entirely negative. Out of adoption can come beautiful, diverse, loving families who have a special outlook on the world. I just want to be clear that it is not all beautiful. I want to be clear that the trauma experienced by our future children, no matter how old they are, is very real. It is something personal that belongs to them. It is something that we must show respect for if we want to gain their trust. We want to gain their trust. When they trust us, they will be able to release some of their anguish and learn that the world isn't so scary after all.

open minds

Let's talk about "openness". When we talk to people about our plans to adopt they often seemed a little shocked and concerned when we say that we want an open adoption.
What does openness mean? It means that our child/children will have some contact with people from their past. This contact may just be a letter passed through a social worker once a year or it could mean bi-weekly visits. It depends on the situation.
Who are the people we would be "open" with? They could include our children's birth-mom, birth-dad, birth-grandparents, birth-siblings (if we are not able to adopt them), step siblings, foster moms, foster dads, foster siblings, birth or foster aunts, uncles cousins, family friends... the list goes on!
Why is openness important? Here is one reason. There are certain things that we can pass on to our children; our love for organic produce, the fact that turning on "the radio" means turning on CBC radio 1, laughing for hours at re-runs of old, BBC comedies. All the those boring things that make AH and I our own family. There are many other things that we will not be passing on to our children; our height, our eye colour, our hair colour, our genetic abnormalities, our genetic "abilities". These things will come from the birth parents, the people who share DNA with our children. It is important that we give our children the opportunity (if we can) to see where they come from so they can form a healthy identity.
Won't our kids get confused about who their parents are? The simple answer is "no". They know that they were not born to us. Even if we adopt a baby, we will make no secret of that. They will also know that families are formed in different ways. Just because I did not give birth to them, does not mean that I am not their mommy. If birth-parent information is withheld from children they will often fantasise about the "perfect parents" they never got to know. Or they might feel like they were not lovable enough for their birth parent to parent them. If kids are able to see that their birth parents are loving but troubled people, it can help them understand the situation a lot better.
Why openness with foster family or other important people? That one is pretty simple. Imagine you have lived on earth for 4 years. There are people who have tucked you in every night, kissed your boo-boos and fed you your favourite meals. They weren't able to be your "forever family" but they showed you love and you loved them very much. One day, you meet some strangers who call themselves Mommy and Daddy. Eventually these strangers take you home and you never see those other loving people again. Wouldn't it be nicer if your new Mommy and Daddy invited those people to visit, to show that your feelings are important and the people you love are important too? You'd probably trust your new Mommy and Daddy a lot more and bond with them a lot faster.
I've also heard it's nice to have the support of people who have "parented" your children before you. They can help you figure out what makes your child "tick".
So as if we didn't already have large extended families here we are adding potentially hundreds of people (once we factor in cousins and the like). Oh well, the more the merrier!

Here are some "pros and cons" of open adoptions:
http://adoption.about.com/od/adopting/a/whyopenadoption.htm